MoM invited to the 2012 Golden Globe® Awards

Gervais: Comic Genius or lager swilling buffoon?

The only thing worse than being invited to the Golden Globe® Awards is not being invited to the Golden Globe® Awards. This year MoM chum Danny Costello security supremo to the stars seated us at a table with a bunch of ashen faced starlets, in haute couture hooker dresses who did nothing but whine as they chased macrobiotic salad leaves around their plates like lap-band bulimics at a laxative convention.

Cretinous ‘Funny man’ Ricky Gervais was the host at this years awards once again. The pie guzzling buffoon swilled lager and insulted guests as per his contract, which caused ripples of  nervous laughter throughout the auditorium at the Beverly Hills Hilton as A-list stars melted fearfully into their seats.

The octogenarian poobahs at the HFPA are to be congratulated once again for their totally baffling movie choices. Mom expected Mission Impossible and Sherlock Holmes Game of Shadows to be the big winners this year, instead the highest accolades were bestowed on a black and white silent movie by a bunch of garlic munching Frenchies. Biggest laughs of the evening came as the aforementioned open-fruit-flan fanciers made rambling and unintelligible acceptance speeches, that barely anyone could understand.

Human waxwork Sidney Poitier who appeared to be heavily medicated, presented Morgan Freeman with the Cecil B. De Mille Award for a lifetime of good chapdom. While other honorees included Woody Allen, who somehow managed to wriggle out of attending in person, Martin Scorsese and Meryl Streep, a woman so short sighted she almost didn’t make the stage, but proved to be thoroughly charming anyway.

Madonna won a gong for best original song, a dirge so painfully awful, MoM is surprised that the cobweb covered committee members of the HFPA could raise their tin ear trumpets to listen to it. Perhaps it is their idea of ‘Young Peoples’ music? Still, the Material Girl did raise a few wry smiles, when she castigated the globulous globes presenter Gervais as a big girls blouse, she wouldn’t want to snog, even if he was the last woman on the planet. Of course not, the Material Girl is a hetrosexual English woman these days aintcha heard Gervais? 

Still it’s all over now until the Oscars next month…The horror never ends…let me tell you, it is Murder on Mulholland.

http://crimezine@wordpress.com/

Are the Kardashians Persian? A geography lesson

Armenian or Persian? Let the map decide

There is a controversy raging in Los Angeles. A controversy that concerns a cruel slight against LA LA lands most famous family. The allegation suggests that the Komely Kardashian Klan are ‘Persian’.

In LA, the former Iranian community often refers to it’s self as Persian. which is understandable, in a world where Iran or I-ran, as it is charmingly referred to in the United States, is associated with barking mad rhetoric, world class super villainy and a crazed brand of pseudo religious conservatism that sends chills down the collective spines of cocktail loving freedom fans everywhere.

Unfortunately the word Persian has now become a pejorative term in Los Angeles, a byword for brash and outspoken vulgarity and garish taste. No surprise then that the Kardashian Klan refer themselves as Armenian. Of course this is quite different or is it?

Persia was originally an empire that extended from India in the East, to Turkey and Egypt in the west. The Empire was gradually eroded and ceased to exist in 1935.

So paradoxically the Kardashian’s are not Persian if they so choose, because Persia no longer officially exists. But if it did—they would be. Still, who cares? MoM loves those girls, as the fine upstanding examples of American womanhood that they are. Still confused? That’s OK, it is Murder on Mulholland.

Hollywood Arson plot Thickens/Stiffens

Dorothee Burkhart fetchingly full figured Tantra Godess

Just when you thought that the recent Hollywood arson debacle couldn’t get any weirder it turns out that pyromaniacal pain in the posterior Harry Burkhart’s mom is a Tantra Godess. You heard it right!

It would seem that the cheeky Chechen who fled Germany after charges of ‘stealing’ her own augmented breasts and swindling a succession of flop house landlords is a fully fledged Tantra expert, who offers services that include:“full body hot oil body to body sliding massage” and “sensual tantric loving erotic touch in combination with deep tissue, incl. g-spot and hotspots massage.” Wow!

The fetchingly full figured Dorothee Burkhart also touts on her website “doctor sexologist and tantra goddess for more than 16 years” who “have the lives of many men who had various types of sexual (erection, ejaculation) problems, changed completely.” [sic, sic, sicut]


Tempting? You may have to wait until the Burkharts get out of chokey, until then you will have to salivate over their highly professional website, which can be found at the location below.


http://www.hollywoodtantramassage.com/

Kardashian Klothing cruelly slandered

The Kardashians would never use children like these, even if they did want to earn extra pocket money.

MoM is frankly shocked by the appalling allegations that LA LA Lands favorite family du Jour the Kardashians are using slave labor in China to manufacture their fetching line of spangle obsessed Persian Party wear. MoM is certain that these icons of discernment would never use nimble fingered North Korean preschoolers to knock out sweatshop Klothing for the stylistically supreme Kardasho brand. The very thought is abhorrant. As usual the allegations of sewage stinking factories and 100 degree working temperatures are completely unsubstantiated.

Luckily Kardasho Mom Kris Jenner has been policing the matter and although she has never actually visited the factories she says, "As far as I know the factories that are used to manufacture the Kardashian clothing and shoes have nothing terrible going on at all and the factories are very well policed and meet factory standards." So there you go. Unfortunately  spoilsports at The International Institute for Global Labour and Human Rights is not so sure, and they have launched an investigation. So stock up on Kardasho wear while you still can, because it is Murder on Mulholland

Heather Locklear OD

Locklear: Booze & Drugs

Eighties nymphette turned  human science experiment Heather Locklear has been rushed to Hospital after ODing on pills and Booze at her palatial Los Angeles  home in Westlake. This is a sad example of what can happen when your medicine cabinet is full and your diary of social engagements is empty. The surgically enhanced Locklear was said to be ‘distraught’, after her relationship with aging lothario and ‘actor’ Jack Wagner collapsed in flames recently. Could be worse Heath, MoM spotted former hubbie geriatric ‘rock god’ Richie Sambora  in Calabasas recently. The sartorial train wreck and nanny menace was sporting  a particularly ill advised pair of trousers and a wigtastic haircut of  frankly astonishing proportions. Get well soon Heath and remember it is Murder on Mulholland.

Good Day LA

The Three Stooges: Dorothy, Steve, Jillian

You thought Breakfast Television was horrible? You thought Good morning Americas dribbling and inane regurgitation of  feelgood fromage and mindless banana faced celebrity was too much to stomach over your breakfast bagel? Welcome to LA dude, where FOX 11 runs the breakfast apocalypse to end all breakfast apocalypses.

We get the blondetastic Dorothy Lucey—entertainment anchor, We get Weather Goddess the pulchritudinous Jillian Reynolds. and in the middle, your ever loving ringmaster, Steve, I Used to be a Journalist Edwards.

Thrill as the girls try to shout each other down, Spill as they invite monster celebrity guests onto the set then talk over them as if they weren’t there. Chill as Jillian flaunts and preens and Tweets her army of adoring fans LIVE ON AIR!

Of course Steve the man with the taughtest forehead in television tries desperately to firefight the chaos, but to no avail! Watch as Dorothy wanders around the set mid item for toilet breaks. Gasp with disbelief as Jillian refers to Steve as, a W*nker man, not an Anchor man, LIVE ON AIR! Do the FCC watch this show? If so what few brains they had left probably dribbled out their ears years ago. Still MoM loves Los Angeles’ most LA LA show. Don’t go changing kids, because it’s Murder on Mulholland.

Hollywood Blitzkrieg Suspect Caught

Apocalypse on Mulholland 

Never mess with the Germans. They will burn your country to the ground Jack, as they proved in the 39-45 war. Or as it is more popularly known in the US as the 41-45 War. Those Krauts might make nice beer and a delicious selection of gourmet Deli meats, but when it comes to war they know only one kind All Out. No surprise then that Pyromanical pain in the posterior Harry Burkhart, arrested recently for the Blitz on Hollywood, turns out to be a Kraut, upset that his 53yr old mother is being deported back to the Fatherland, on a raft of serious fraud charges which she and Harry the Hun fled four years ago. It has been a puntastic week for the media here on Mulholland with every German gag in the Third Reich big book of Comedy being dusted off for use. Just one Problem The Burkharts are Chechen. According to The LA Times they are ‘thought to be of very distant German anscestry.’ Oh, so that’s OK then… Did we tell you it is Murder on Mulholland?

Driving MoM Crazy

Vehicle lights, especially indicators are optional in Los Angeles

Mulholland Drive is race track central for  local yokels, all of whom  think that a forty mph limit is nothing more than a discretionary guideline. This is a good thing however as it helps keep the burgeoning tourist population in check.

It is easy, of course, to get up to seventy or more on Mulholland’s curves, especially in a supercharged Benz or Beamer. Thankfully the LA Coroner provides a very efficient scoop and scrape service to hose away the remains of those who misjudge the road on a nightly basis. But what do you expect? It’s Murder on Mulholland.